drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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