he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
