I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
