I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
