Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
