He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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