meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
