When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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