We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You dont lie about slip and slides
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
