I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
