i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
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