it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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