Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
