And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
