ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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