There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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