i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
