Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
