I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
