In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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