Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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