dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
