I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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