If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
