I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
