I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
