they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
