obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
