I wanna bring you to show and tell
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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