As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
