Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
