me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize