considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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