she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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