At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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