Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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