I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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