literally had 100 drinks last night.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
