Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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