Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
