Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
