Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
