My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
