So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
