HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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