i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
