Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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