She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
