hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
