I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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