the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
