just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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