Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
