so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
