he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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