phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
