I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
