Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
