he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
