Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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